[She wants to run away. Running is how she handles all of her problems, after all. When she hears Adora coming, it would be so easy to just run away, jump off and find somewhere else to hide.
But she can't.]
That's my fault too. Obviously.
because this is definitely the topic that will start a healthy, productive conversation
[ She wants to take a seat at Catra's side. It feels like a natural course of action and a strange one at the same time.
Instead, she walks slowly closer, not wanting to risk sending Catra leaping off to find somewhere else. When she really didn't want to be bothered, even Adora couldn't keep up. ]
You said I abandoned you. I...Catra, I could never do that.
[ There's so much to unpack about the text Catra sent. But...they have to start somewhere. ]
Yeah, of course you couldn't! You can't abandon someone you never really cared about in the first place, huh?!
[It's not fair. It's cruel to Adora. It's wrong. She knows all of that, but she can't stop herself. Maybe, if she'd been able to get these emotions out in the first place, things would have gone differently....]
[ She's not used to feeling so off-kitler, so out of touch with what Catra's feeling and why. Adora's words had been intended to be comforting, but this reaction is...something else entirely.
Adora's caught between wanting to take a few steps back and wanting to get closer. Unable to do either, she settles for trying to reach out to Catra instead, brow furrowed. ]
Of course, I care about you! You're my best friend!
[ The memory comes to Adora unbidden, a sharp pain accompanying it.
"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?" It's said as Adora watches her sword cut across the webbing she clings to, her only lifeline on the side of a cliff.
But that never happened. It couldn't have.
For a moment, Adora clutches at her head, before finally managing: ]
[ She almost defends that she has no idea what Catra could be talking about, but-- But that's wrong. It feels wrong.
Adora doesn't know what to do or say and it's a feeling she hates with every fiber of her being. It's...weird and confusing and it feels like her thoughts are getting jumbled up, like she should be remembering something right here, right now.
I'm not going home. Not after everything I've seen.
So, enough with your weird little identity crisis and let's go home. ]
Not you, Catra, it wasn't you.
[ If her head could stop hurting just long enough to think. Because something said this was an important moment, that she couldn't just lose it--
And like that, it's like something sliding into place in her head.
She left the Horde. The sword, Thaymor, Catra and the stun gun and She-Ra... Catra, angry and accusing her of leaving her behind...
The portal. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Catra.
[ Her hands slide from her head to her face, Adora trying to choke back the tears at the memories assaulting her. She'd been so heartbroken when Catra had abandoned her to die in the Crystal Palace. This wasn't the Catra she knew, the friend she grew up with wasn't this...evil, angry person who opened world-destroying portals. And she'd done that to Catra? Made her feel abandoned, made her feel like she wasn't good enough their entire lives? ]
Finding out what the Horde was doing, it was-- I thought we were helping Etheria, n-not...
[ She'd had to walk away. With or without Catra, there was no other choice. Adora couldn't live with herself if she didn't. ]
Innocent people were getting hurt, I couldn't be part of that! I didn't want to leave you, I wanted us to go together, but everything happened so fast...!
[The words slip out before she can stop them. She doesn't want to show this- She doesn't want to show weakness to Adora. She doesn't want show weakness to anyone.
But there's been too much. Too much hurting her. Her emotions have always been what ruled her, and they're too much for her to handle.
So the honest truth slips out before she can stop it.]
Then why didn't you care when they were hurting me?!
[ Catra might as well have slapped her. It would leave Adora far less shaken, that's for sure. ]
I did care. I cared so much, but I... [ She was scared. Scared of Shadow Weaver turning on her, scared of making the situation worse for Catra by questioning, scared of questioning what was normal for so long. ]
I didn't know what to do. [ Adora's voice cracks as she says it, and finally, the strength in her legs gives out. ]
If I messed up, you got in trouble for it. If I tried to tell Shadow Weaver to stop, she got angry and you got in trouble for it. S-so I thought if I just....did everything right, it would help.
[ Or, at least, that's what Adora had thought. It's what she had wanted. Maybe that makes her inability to do anything for Catra even worse. Adora was treated well, if pushed harder than any other cadet, but she'd been afraid of what would happen if she did defy or disappoint Shadow Weaver. For so long, she'd been able to deny how stressful and suffocating all of those grand expectations were.
The memory of Shadow Weaver's threat to dispose of Catra had been a vivid, terrifying memory even years later. Adora saw through it now, the manipulation she was pulling on them. Doing what Shadow Weaver always did and driving a wedge between them. Keep Adora in line as her perfect prodigy by making her feel responsible for Catra. Keep Catra in line with fear, and as a supporter to Adora's rise to power, rather than a competitor. If only she'd seen it back then when it mattered most. ]
[... Did she? Did she want Adora to protect her? Maybe, in some weird, dark corner of her heart, she had hoped Adora would. Would protect her. Would treat her as someone worth protecting.
The Horde doesn't get to be protected, though.]
I didn't want you to protect me, all I wanted was- All I ever needed was just- to stand by me! But you never did! All you ever did was suck up to Shadow Weaver! You were always the favorite, and where did that leave me?!
when you have to be useful to justify existing at all....someone help these poor girls.
Her favorite? [ That almost pulls a disbelieving laugh from her. Adora had believed that once too, before she saw through the games. Adora drops from kneeling to actually sit on the ground, pulling her legs to her chest and curling in on herself. ] I was her favorite as long as I obeyed her. I was her favorite as long as I did everything I was told. As long as I was perfect and everything she wanted me to be down to how I wore my hair.
[ Adora's entire persona had been crafted by Shadow Weaver. Her hair, her clothes, the way she spoke, the way she acted... Nothing had been missed in shaping her into the perfect prodigy.
]
Otherwise, I was stupid or disappointing or didn't matter... I was her favorite as long as I was useful.
[ And Catra's question was right...Where did that leave Catra in all of it? Well, that was obvious. It always had been; Adora just hadn't wanted to see it. And now, at this moment, she's finally seeing how bad she messed up because of that. ]
You were the only person who ever cared about me when they didn't want something from me.
RIGHT, mood. if they don't have any use why are they here???
[Catra recoils. She'd never heard Adora called that by Shadow Weaver. Would Shadow Weaver have ever said that? She can't imagine it. Adora had to tame Catra. Had to take care of her. Like she was a pet. Because Adora was Shadow Weaver's favorite.]
That's bull. She left me for you! She ran away from the Horde- Because she cared about you more than she ever cared about me!
[She's trying to keep the tears out of her eyes, the sobs strangling her throat.]
I thought that you cared about me, too! And then.... And then, you suddenly cared about those two you had known for a couple hours more than you cared about me!
She didn't come to Bright Moon for me, Catra. She tried to pretend, but after I called her out... She came to Bright Moon because she was dying and didn't have anywhere else to go. Now that she can't use me, she leaves me alone.
[ Everything in Adora wants to reach out to Catra as she cries, to curl up together for comfort like they did when they were younger, before hiding weakness had become so second nature.
But for the sake of not startling her into running away or withdrawing emotionally, she doesn't. Instead, she tries to get her own emotions back under control. One of them needs to be calm, at least. And Adora can't blame Catra at all for being the one who isn't. ]
I didn't care about them more than you. Making new friends didn't mean you weren't my best friend anymore. But I couldn't go back once I knew the truth.
I just... I wish we'd had more time to just talk that day. So I could explain. So I could have told you that we could be free. That we could be somewhere happier, together. That the Horde wasn't our only option and you didn't have to deal with the way you were treated anymore and-- [ There's something raw in Adora's voice, something like regret. ]
This can't be true. Because if it's true, then what has she been fighting for all this time? If it's true, then what was the point of anything she has ever done? If that's true, then everything was pointless.
Then she was pointless.]
You're lying! You're just trying to manipulate me, again! You made that plenty clear before- I'm the one who opened the portal, so I'm beyond forgiveness now, right?!
If you cared, you would have come back for me instead of letting me take the blame for you running away!
I've never thought you were beyond forgiveness. You're not a bad person, Catra, I refuse to believe you are.
[ Ah, the fun of different canon points. ]
...I'm sorry I didn't go back for you. I wanted to. I wanted to so many times. But whenever I asked you to come with me, you refused. I thought you didn't want me to come back for you. I thought... though maybe the Hode was where you really wanted to be instead of...
[She grabs her head, squeezing it tight, as if if she just tries hard enough, she can drag these horrible, traitorous thoughts out of her skull.
It's hard to hear this. It hurts even more than it hurt to hear Adora abandon her. Why is everything like this? Why can't everything be simple?
Why can't they just be cadets again, when the world was simple?]
Of course I refused! I wanted you to hurt! I want you to hurt! I want you to feel exactly what you put me through! When we were both there, I could put up with whatever, because you made a promise, but you broke that promise! Shadow Weaver hurting me was fine, but not 'innocents'?! What innocents, Adora?! I was a kid!
[ 'So was I!' she wants to defend. Logically, Adora knows what she could have done for Catra was limited. Favorite or not, if Adora had pushed too hard against Shadow Weaver it would have ended horribly for both of them. Especially for Catra.
But right now, that doesn't matter. Being right doesn't matter.
It kills Adora to see Catra hurting, it always has.
This time, Adora doesn't care if it will get Catra lashing out with her claws. She surges forward, taking Catra's face in her hands. ]
I'm sorry, Catra. I'm really, truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.
[ If nothing else comes of this conversation, it's the one thing Adora needs to say. ]
Her hurting you wasn't okay. It was never okay. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. You deserved better. I'm just...so sorry.
[She shakes her head, almost thrashing her body under Adora's grasp, but oddly, she's not... attacking Adora.]
You're lying! You have to be! You already left, and now- I opened that portal! Now Hordak's dead, or something, Sparkles is the queen, Etheria's some kind of superweapon, and I don't know what's going on! Everything's wrong, the world is falling apart, and it's because of me!
Hopefully DW doesn't eat this one bc I could swear I already replied???
[ she doesn't understand any of that, honestly, and for a moment Adora wars with herself. it's such an important thing to hear and she has a thousand and one questions, but-- ]
I'm not lying, I swear. Whatever happened, we'll handle it together.
[ Finally throwing away any concern of Catra lashing out, she tries to grab for Catra's hands to pull them away from her head. ]
Please, just calm down and listen to me. I don't want you to "come crawling back", I don't want to you to be-- be some sort of sidekick, I just want-- [ Adora wants a lot of stuff. But since this entire thing started, there's only one thing she's really wanted, more than it all. ] I just want--!
[ Her voice finally cracks, and though she tries, Adora can't stop the tears. She tries not to let herself cry, most of the time. A strong leader wouldn't break down in tears at every stressful thing. But in all of it, had she ever really let herself feel how much losing Catra had hurt? ]
I messed up so much, I know that. B-but... I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to make you feel less or second best. I never wanted to be enemies, Catra.
[ She's had to train herself not to show weakness to Catra, but she can't hold back the heaving sob that escapes her. ]
[How is she supposed to handle this now? What is she supposed to do? She resists, but it's weak, her hands slowly being pulled away.]
That's- That's all I ever wanted! We were supposed to- To take over, to run the Horde ourselves, one day, and...
[She doubles over again, trying not to sob.]
And now you're- You're a Princess, and Scorpia left, and- And Hordak's dead, and Double Trouble- It's all gone so wrong, and it's all my fault, so what else can I do but keep going down this until it all means something?!
I didn't care about running the Horde or ruling the world. I just wanted to be with you.
[ And that one, enduring wish had gotten lost in...everything. In the fighting and the tears and the chaos.
It hurts, seeing Catra so broken up. Catra, who she hadn't seen cry since they were small. Who always tried so hard to be untouchable, too tough to ever be hurt.
In one swift move, Adora leans forward to press a soft kiss to her forehead before pulling Catra closer to her for a hug.
Adora isn't sure what possesses her to do it. The kiss is something she's seen Queen Angella do so many times for Glimmer when the stress became too much and her friend was freaking out. It always seemed to help when her friends pulled her close and just held on for a little while.
Wrestling, hair pulling, kicking and chasing... It had been a constant in their lives growing up, affection only encouraged in rough and tumble ways lest a soldier seem soft.
Maybe they would have been happier if something as comforting as a hug had been acceptable back then. ]
It does still mean something. It means you were smarter and stronger than anyone gave you credit for. And you're strong enough to try another way, to learn and be better. [ Adora's tears drip into Catra's hair as she weeps. ] Whatever happened, whatever you've done-- We can face it, together. Like we always should have.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But she can't.]
That's my fault too. Obviously.
because this is definitely the topic that will start a healthy, productive conversation
Instead, she walks slowly closer, not wanting to risk sending Catra leaping off to find somewhere else. When she really didn't want to be bothered, even Adora couldn't keep up. ]
You said I abandoned you. I...Catra, I could never do that.
[ There's so much to unpack about the text Catra sent. But...they have to start somewhere. ]
You know I could never just...abandon you, right?
oh no. oh NO.
Yeah, of course you couldn't! You can't abandon someone you never really cared about in the first place, huh?!
[It's not fair. It's cruel to Adora. It's wrong. She knows all of that, but she can't stop herself. Maybe, if she'd been able to get these emotions out in the first place, things would have gone differently....]
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Adora's caught between wanting to take a few steps back and wanting to get closer. Unable to do either, she settles for trying to reach out to Catra instead, brow furrowed. ]
Of course, I care about you! You're my best friend!
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I was your pet! Your sidekick! All I ever was for was making you look better!
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"Every hero needs a sidekick, right?" It's said as Adora watches her sword cut across the webbing she clings to, her only lifeline on the side of a cliff.
But that never happened. It couldn't have.
For a moment, Adora clutches at her head, before finally managing: ]
Is-- is that how you really feel?
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[Is? Isn't? She doesn't know what's real, what's fake. What's her, what's the acting, the front she put up for years to protect herself.
Her voice cracks.]
If it wasn't true, then why would you leave me?!
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[ She almost defends that she has no idea what Catra could be talking about, but-- But that's wrong. It feels wrong.
Adora doesn't know what to do or say and it's a feeling she hates with every fiber of her being. It's...weird and confusing and it feels like her thoughts are getting jumbled up, like she should be remembering something right here, right now.
I'm not going home. Not after everything I've seen.
So, enough with your weird little identity crisis and let's go home. ]
Not you, Catra, it wasn't you.
[ If her head could stop hurting just long enough to think. Because something said this was an important moment, that she couldn't just lose it--
And like that, it's like something sliding into place in her head.
She left the Horde. The sword, Thaymor, Catra and the stun gun and She-Ra... Catra, angry and accusing her of leaving her behind...
The portal. ]
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Catra.
[ Her hands slide from her head to her face, Adora trying to choke back the tears at the memories assaulting her. She'd been so heartbroken when Catra had abandoned her to die in the Crystal Palace. This wasn't the Catra she knew, the friend she grew up with wasn't this...evil, angry person who opened world-destroying portals. And she'd done that to Catra? Made her feel abandoned, made her feel like she wasn't good enough their entire lives? ]
Finding out what the Horde was doing, it was-- I thought we were helping Etheria, n-not...
[ She'd had to walk away. With or without Catra, there was no other choice. Adora couldn't live with herself if she didn't. ]
Innocent people were getting hurt, I couldn't be part of that! I didn't want to leave you, I wanted us to go together, but everything happened so fast...!
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But there's been too much. Too much hurting her. Her emotions have always been what ruled her, and they're too much for her to handle.
So the honest truth slips out before she can stop it.]
Then why didn't you care when they were hurting me?!
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I did care. I cared so much, but I... [ She was scared. Scared of Shadow Weaver turning on her, scared of making the situation worse for Catra by questioning, scared of questioning what was normal for so long. ]
I didn't know what to do. [ Adora's voice cracks as she says it, and finally, the strength in her legs gives out. ]
If I messed up, you got in trouble for it. If I tried to tell Shadow Weaver to stop, she got angry and you got in trouble for it. S-so I thought if I just....did everything right, it would help.
[ Or, at least, that's what Adora had thought. It's what she had wanted. Maybe that makes her inability to do anything for Catra even worse. Adora was treated well, if pushed harder than any other cadet, but she'd been afraid of what would happen if she did defy or disappoint Shadow Weaver. For so long, she'd been able to deny how stressful and suffocating all of those grand expectations were.
The memory of Shadow Weaver's threat to dispose of Catra had been a vivid, terrifying memory even years later. Adora saw through it now, the manipulation she was pulling on them. Doing what Shadow Weaver always did and driving a wedge between them. Keep Adora in line as her perfect prodigy by making her feel responsible for Catra. Keep Catra in line with fear, and as a supporter to Adora's rise to power, rather than a competitor. If only she'd seen it back then when it mattered most. ]
I didn't know how else to protect you from her.
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[... Did she? Did she want Adora to protect her? Maybe, in some weird, dark corner of her heart, she had hoped Adora would. Would protect her. Would treat her as someone worth protecting.
The Horde doesn't get to be protected, though.]
I didn't want you to protect me, all I wanted was- All I ever needed was just- to stand by me! But you never did! All you ever did was suck up to Shadow Weaver! You were always the favorite, and where did that leave me?!
when you have to be useful to justify existing at all....someone help these poor girls.
[ Adora's entire persona had been crafted by Shadow Weaver. Her hair, her clothes, the way she spoke, the way she acted... Nothing had been missed in shaping her into the perfect prodigy.
]
Otherwise, I was stupid or disappointing or didn't matter... I was her favorite as long as I was useful.
[ And Catra's question was right...Where did that leave Catra in all of it? Well, that was obvious. It always had been; Adora just hadn't wanted to see it. And now, at this moment, she's finally seeing how bad she messed up because of that. ]
You were the only person who ever cared about me when they didn't want something from me.
RIGHT, mood. if they don't have any use why are they here???
That's bull. She left me for you! She ran away from the Horde- Because she cared about you more than she ever cared about me!
[She's trying to keep the tears out of her eyes, the sobs strangling her throat.]
I thought that you cared about me, too! And then.... And then, you suddenly cared about those two you had known for a couple hours more than you cared about me!
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[ Everything in Adora wants to reach out to Catra as she cries, to curl up together for comfort like they did when they were younger, before hiding weakness had become so second nature.
But for the sake of not startling her into running away or withdrawing emotionally, she doesn't. Instead, she tries to get her own emotions back under control. One of them needs to be calm, at least. And Adora can't blame Catra at all for being the one who isn't. ]
I didn't care about them more than you. Making new friends didn't mean you weren't my best friend anymore. But I couldn't go back once I knew the truth.
I just... I wish we'd had more time to just talk that day. So I could explain. So I could have told you that we could be free. That we could be somewhere happier, together. That the Horde wasn't our only option and you didn't have to deal with the way you were treated anymore and-- [ There's something raw in Adora's voice, something like regret. ]
I miss you, Catra. Every day.
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This can't be true. Because if it's true, then what has she been fighting for all this time? If it's true, then what was the point of anything she has ever done? If that's true, then everything was pointless.
Then she was pointless.]
You're lying! You're just trying to manipulate me, again! You made that plenty clear before- I'm the one who opened the portal, so I'm beyond forgiveness now, right?!
If you cared, you would have come back for me instead of letting me take the blame for you running away!
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[ Ah, the fun of different canon points. ]
...I'm sorry I didn't go back for you. I wanted to. I wanted to so many times. But whenever I asked you to come with me, you refused. I thought you didn't want me to come back for you. I thought... though maybe the Hode was where you really wanted to be instead of...
[ 'Instead of with me' goes unsaid. ]
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It's hard to hear this. It hurts even more than it hurt to hear Adora abandon her. Why is everything like this? Why can't everything be simple?
Why can't they just be cadets again, when the world was simple?]
Of course I refused! I wanted you to hurt! I want you to hurt! I want you to feel exactly what you put me through! When we were both there, I could put up with whatever, because you made a promise, but you broke that promise! Shadow Weaver hurting me was fine, but not 'innocents'?! What innocents, Adora?! I was a kid!
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But right now, that doesn't matter. Being right doesn't matter.
It kills Adora to see Catra hurting, it always has.
This time, Adora doesn't care if it will get Catra lashing out with her claws. She surges forward, taking Catra's face in her hands. ]
I'm sorry, Catra. I'm really, truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.
[ If nothing else comes of this conversation, it's the one thing Adora needs to say. ]
Her hurting you wasn't okay. It was never okay. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. You deserved better. I'm just...so sorry.
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Why are you saying this now?! When it's too late?!
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[ Adora doesn't release the girl's face, not back off even with the threat of claws. ]
I'll be there with you every step of the way, for real this time. I'm not making the same mistake again. I won't leave you behind ever again.
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You're lying! You have to be! You already left, and now- I opened that portal! Now Hordak's dead, or something, Sparkles is the queen, Etheria's some kind of superweapon, and I don't know what's going on! Everything's wrong, the world is falling apart, and it's because of me!
Hopefully DW doesn't eat this one bc I could swear I already replied???
I'm not lying, I swear. Whatever happened, we'll handle it together.
DW is broken i guess!
How dare you say that to me now?! Am I supposed to just- come crawling back to you, because I've already ruined things with everyone else?!
well it needs to stop!!!
[ Finally throwing away any concern of Catra lashing out, she tries to grab for Catra's hands to pull them away from her head. ]
Please, just calm down and listen to me. I don't want you to "come crawling back", I don't want to you to be-- be some sort of sidekick, I just want-- [ Adora wants a lot of stuff. But since this entire thing started, there's only one thing she's really wanted, more than it all. ] I just want--!
[ Her voice finally cracks, and though she tries, Adora can't stop the tears. She tries not to let herself cry, most of the time. A strong leader wouldn't break down in tears at every stressful thing. But in all of it, had she ever really let herself feel how much losing Catra had hurt? ]
I messed up so much, I know that. B-but... I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to make you feel less or second best. I never wanted to be enemies, Catra.
[ She's had to train herself not to show weakness to Catra, but she can't hold back the heaving sob that escapes her. ]
I just want my best friend back.
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That's- That's all I ever wanted! We were supposed to- To take over, to run the Horde ourselves, one day, and...
[She doubles over again, trying not to sob.]
And now you're- You're a Princess, and Scorpia left, and- And Hordak's dead, and Double Trouble- It's all gone so wrong, and it's all my fault, so what else can I do but keep going down this until it all means something?!
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[ And that one, enduring wish had gotten lost in...everything. In the fighting and the tears and the chaos.
It hurts, seeing Catra so broken up. Catra, who she hadn't seen cry since they were small. Who always tried so hard to be untouchable, too tough to ever be hurt.
In one swift move, Adora leans forward to press a soft kiss to her forehead before pulling Catra closer to her for a hug.
Adora isn't sure what possesses her to do it. The kiss is something she's seen Queen Angella do so many times for Glimmer when the stress became too much and her friend was freaking out. It always seemed to help when her friends pulled her close and just held on for a little while.
Wrestling, hair pulling, kicking and chasing... It had been a constant in their lives growing up, affection only encouraged in rough and tumble ways lest a soldier seem soft.
Maybe they would have been happier if something as comforting as a hug had been acceptable back then. ]
It does still mean something. It means you were smarter and stronger than anyone gave you credit for. And you're strong enough to try another way, to learn and be better. [ Adora's tears drip into Catra's hair as she weeps. ] Whatever happened, whatever you've done-- We can face it, together. Like we always should have.